Welcome to my perfumed garden

I had the male half of the partnership in tow so ops for abducting stray Castillans were unforthcoming I'm afraid.

A Doctor's bag huh? That's a new one. Never in my life have I heard of that before. The only advice I've ever come across is to plant it with a dead sheep but that seems unbecoming behaviour for a vegetarian. I assume it's about root restriction, doctor's bags being robust and not likely to rot in a hurry. Let a fig's roots roam and it'll crack your walls whilst hurrying to the top, put out a ton of nice foliage - perfect Biblical coverings the naked people in your life - but produce precious little fruit. You have to restrain the eager little buggers if you're to hold them in check and get tons of tasty figs, but personally, I think planting it in a big plastic pot will have the same effect with less effort. I mean, hanging out in darkened car parks in a balaclava, boot polish on the face, to wrest a doctor's bag from him seems both tricky and unfair - I mean, it's his bag, bought and - one would assume - paid for with his hard earned £££. Isn't that sort of tantamount to... stealing?