Blue [Welcome to my perfumed garden]

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I've posted Blue. Here it is.

- Only to 852 at the moment (and yes, it's riddled with the inevitable glitches, why can't I ever get it right? Why?!) but soon to ASR3, I hope and also a new website (coming soon).

I started writing Blue 2 years ago when 20 people contributed $10 to watch this monster get written on a private LJ com, with another 5 getting their updates by email.

betagoddess ,

fluterbev ,

luicat ,

snycock ,

slipperieslope ,

shiredancer ,

lear1027 ,

t_verano ,

patk ,

earth2skye ,

tany_z ,

alibongo ,

suemc ,

monkeyfun1 ,

debmc ,

still_ra ,jazzybea47 ,

juneb ,

artemis54 and

ponders_life on LJ. Also Mariojoe, Terry O'Donnell, Gloria Ainsworth, Cynthia and the lovely Gerri - who have all been so generous with their comment and suggestions and have greatly added to the story and I thank them all.

Special thanks to the magnificent

runriggers for one of the most rapid betas I've ever had, ever!

If you're planning to read it, be warned it's 126,000 words long and it's angsty. You would expect it to be, I suppose, angst is my MO, but Blue is mega-angst of galactic proportions. I didn't intend it to be quite so very packed with pain, it was sort of an accident. Sorry.

It's slash but in its very mildest forms. There's nothing much there, really, that would mither even the terribly sensitive.

Mood::

relieved

location: Watching telly

Music:: Mitchell and Webb

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There are 29 comments on this entry. (Reply.)

I am SO EXCITED! I've been watching you make comments about this and wondering what it is. Now I will know, just as soon as I set aside some private time (hard to do with mom and kids around) to enjoy.

I've got stage fright now. I hope you like it, it really is a huge great cherry-chocolate wodge of the most fruitsome, fat-filled angst. It's totally ott - I might as well start warning people about that now. *g*

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Tis the best! And now to be in one big wodge of angstyness.
Woohoo!

It's one giant, sticky mess of chocolatey angst to be sure. *g* Thanks for your loyalty to my epic tale of Blair-woe, hon, be assured, it's been much appreciated.

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Not just any chocolatey angst, but Fry's chocolate creaminess of angst...
:oD

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A planet-size Toblerone of heartache and agony!

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Oh. That's a pity. I'm not keen on Toblerone...
Hee!

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But it's the food of the Gods

*g*

OK, it's a planet-size [insert chocolate product of choice] of heartache and agony!

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Mmmmm, which one to choose...?
Decisions, decisions.
Maybe we need one of everything into a big gooey chocolatey mass...

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That's always been my policy.

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Congratulations on completing the epic!!!

Thank you hon, and thank you for contributing.

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Go you! You did a wonderful job with it all! =>}

Thank you darling, I'm glad you enjoyed the ride. Thanks so much for your loyal constancy and epic constitution for teh angst. :o)

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You're welcome! ANY time! *g*

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Pardon me for butting in here, but I wanted to thank the

betagoddess for deploying her skills around TS fandom. I see your name quite often as beta, and as a reader, I am eternally grateful for you helping these marvelous writers with their precious stories. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

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Well, thank YOU! I haven't been able to beta for quite some time, but in the past, I did a fair amount.

Of course I'm an avid reader and I try to give positive feedback whenever I can. It's very kind of you to notice. Thanks again. =>}

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It was a terrifc journey! Thank you!

I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks so much for staying with it and being so helpful in your comments, it was always appreciated. ♥

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icon love! That's Moonridge, isn't it?

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I won it from

alyburns for Moonridge and the photo is from Moonridge! So - yes!

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You really weren't kidding about the angst, were you? It was uber-angsty, yet very satisfying. Too bad Simon turned out to be such a schmuck. Jim, too, come to think of it. I love that Blair became a Robin Hood/Batman of sorts, taking on injustice in such a big way. So glad I read the whole thing at once, though - I would have DIED having all those cliffhangers!

Don't say schmuck! :o) You know, I think Simon was just terminally disappointed; he'd such high hopes for the partnership and so much belief in Blair and - the way he saw it - Blair let them all down. Simon was one character I really did feel I should have gone back and dealt with but it was getting so long and there were too many loose ends to tie them all up satisfactorily so I just concentrated on Jim and Blair and their part of the story.

As for Jim - gosh, not a schmuck at all I hope. If you think that then I failed utterly! Jim was just as wounded as Blair in his way, it just wasn't so visible because of his professional success, and that he'd healed his relationships with his dad and brother, but inside, he was as broken as Blair. The hints are all over the earlier chapters and very much so in the last letter to Blair and what comes after.

Owl was a very strong image for me the whole time I was writing. He really is based on L'Hibou. I watched a French TV drama about L'Hibou and the French Revolution years ago that I loved and that character has always stayed with me. I wanted to write a story with Blair as Owl for a long time and that image was the germ of the whole thing.

I'm glad you liked it - hope you liked it(?) The angst is pretty fierce, I know. I didn't plan it that way, it just kinda happened :o)

Thanks so much for reading (and so quickly, because that thing is long!)

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Ah... ::rubs greedy hands together::

I am indulging myself, sinking myself into this story like I would into a hot bath, if we had a bathtub, that is. I'm going to record my thoughts as I read, in commentary form.

Oh, the sense that they are spiraling away from each other is so subtle and yet so strong.

Very casual confirmation that they are already lovers.

Blair's been tagged as an outcast right from the start, and he's making no effort whatsoever to try and find common ground with the other recruits. It's painfully obvious that he's dropping back into an older mode of surviving this group experience. And will the Chief realize that Blair is being harassed and actually try and stop it?

The kids that Blair has moved in with are going to totally freak when they find out he's a cop. They are going to think he's using them to make contacts for drug buys.

Blair's emails -- so busy saying nothing at all.

Jim's instincts are right on -- it is a mistake to just bop on up there. But then, Simon doesn't have the greatest feel for that sort of thing. Look at how he barged in on JIm's trip to Clayton Falls, when Blair felt that it probably wasn't the greatest idea.

Love the Sampson-hair reference.

JIm! You ASS! Is Blair going to chuck it now?

ACK! Simon and Jim and Daryl are so busy being disappointed that Blair hasn't metamorphized into their version of what a cop should act like that they aren't hearing him at all.

And Blair's seeing Jim as a cop right now -- and the distrust is killing him. He's cutting his losses.

Yes, Jim. You have been an ostrich with your head in the sand. And you are going to get to Blair's place too late.

Blair's doing dangerous work. And I can see that his experience at the Academy, where the recruits abused their power, would make him want to stop corrupt cops like that. Man, those guys are really bad news, willing to exterminate the riff-raff like that. And boy, are they going to be looking for him, since they know he took pictures. And why can't he go out during the day? What's up with the blackouts and meds. Good to see that he kept in touch with Mary. I like her.

Jim's cousin was a ho? What's the backstory on that?

"I don't hate donuts. Good way of sidestepping the question, Blair.

Okay, Mary is taking a chance on taking Jim to Blair. Wow, explosive much? I'm not surprised that Blair had a panic attack. And I like that he's physically falling a little apart here, too, the bad diet and lack of exercise catching up to him.

Blair is still so tied up in knots over Jim.

Blair's having small seizures? That's what he's taking meds for? And did they start because of the head injury he received at the Academy?

AHA! Thought Jim gave in too easily on not following Blair on his patrols.

"What the hell happened at the Academy to make him think that way?" Jim! He told you exactly what had happened at the Academy. Where was your brain? Too busy coming up with what you wanted to lambast him about to really listen to your partner?

Very riveting, reading about the fire and Blair's rescue. Where's Julie? Doesn't she live in that house? Or did she already go back to Cascade to go into hiding?

Blair's lungs? long term damage from drowning at the fountain? And David let the cat out of the bag. Seizures, yes. I totally called that one.

Blair did get his x-ray? What's spooking him so badly about the xray's and hospitals?

Ah, I see he did get the xray.

JIm isn't the only one with a death grip here. I'm so tense sitting here reading about his decompensation, mentally, into OCD, and how that asshole tormented him at the local PD.

Ah, Blair's having mutiple seizures from the stress of all of this.

Brian knows Blair is the Owl. And we get a glimpse of Blair dealing with things confidently, then the slip back into his anxious self. Because, he's not going to recover from all of this that quickly.

Why doesn't Brian put Blair in protective custody? And who was that with him when Jim called. The enemy, no doubt.

part two on next comment

Edited Date: 2009-07-12 02:08 am (UTC)

Ah... ::waves a hand:: Shakespeare did it all the time. *G* Nah, Brian - Brian's a good guy but he's a little too concerned with his bust and (possibly) the career boost to worry too much about Blair.

I'm enjoying your commentary enormously, making me giggle out loud with glee because you have such great insight - mostly spot on to what I was going for but also stuff I kinda knew, you know, that stuff that's there in the back of your mind when you're writing (or when I'm writing anyway) but that doesn't necessarily come out in the story that you're seeing anyway, which is thoroughly splendid of you. :o)

I have to admit, I haven;t been back and re-read it for some time. I'd tightened it as much as I could in the writing process (this was done as a WIP over 2 years as I'm sure you know) and before the beta, then it was being beta'd quite a while and I've almost forgotten a lot of the early stuff. It seems so very long ago.

Simon, Julie, Peace, McKinnon, Demidenko and co. So many loose ends, there just wasn;t time. Saving it all for the sequel (lol).

OK, on with the second bit...

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Oh, Simon. He really invested a lot into getting Blair his spot in Major Crimes and really was disappointed that Blair was so lukewarm when he saw him at the Academy. Poor Blair, everybody,Daryl, Jim and Simon, was so busy projecting their vision of how Blair would be as a cop, that they refused to see what was really happening, or having any empathy for Blair's real situation.

Oboy, a sequel? You really do have a lot left to work with, with the door just opening for Jim and Blair.

And Naomi has finally grown up, hasn't she? Putting Blair's needs before her own, which when she was such a young mother, I have the sneaking suspicion she didn't always do when Blair was a kid.

Glad you enjoyed the commentary. I enjoy doing it this way but I don't always have the time.

Laurie

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I hope Blair's okay back at the motel, and that Jim will be able to avoid the cops at the old warehouse.

Oh, boy.With Jim under guard in the hospital, Blair's going to be going nuts.

so, John's alive. Will he turn out to be a good guy or our for himself? He was pushing for confrontation with the cops, a tactic well used by undercover guys into protest organizations to get them into trouble..

Okay, I'm voting for John to be a bad guy.

Blair! Don't panic. Call your friend the doctor and see if he can find out who the guy they arrested and who is in the hospital right now is

Hoo boy. lots has happened, Blair in jail, hurt. Steven to the rescue, and the internet is the real hero of this story.

Naomi knows Jim has a limp? Has she been doing so intelligence gathering, since he's been in the wheel chair since they met in Blair's hospital room.

Blair is so brave, seeing solitary confinement as a positive thing. It won't be.

And he's on the wrong track again about Jim, but then his self esteem has taken a very strong beating. He's thinking he won't fit in with Jim anymore, that he's damaged and would be a drag on Jim, and that Jim would end feeling ashamed of him.

Blair. You are killing me here, with your withdrawal into your own little carefully structured world. You're going to have a hell of a time adjusting back from instituionalized life. But if the court case goes well, and you get your book money -- and by the way, I guess Jim never did confess he didn't pass along the messages from his cousin about suing Sid and Rainier -- then you're going to recreate your cell, aren't you, honey. You need a big tme intervention and tons of therapy.

so Blair won't have to testify and he's running from Jim, again. I have a horrible feeling that he's too damaged, has floated too far away and can't connect anymore with Jim, He's detached with love. Now, will Jim come after him or let him go, thinking it's what Blair really needs.

Being a writer makes such sense.

Good one, Jim. But now your eyes have been opened quite a bit, haven't they, about Blair's mental health. He can't handle change at all, now.

What are you going to do, Jim? If you push at him, you'll break him.

Blair, you've totally forgotten how to process things. And you can't wall away hurt and pain and stress because it will escape its prison every time, when new stress happens and whammo -- old hurts, new hurts and pain all overwhelming at once.

Slow is the key, very slow, glacier speed slow, And have some fun together. And Blair, honey, you need therapy still and Jim probably needs to go to rehab to get off those painkillers

So very human and complicated, the people in this story. I've been reading it all day, God, it was a riveting story, and you've ended it with Hope peeking out of Pandora's box.

Laurie

Edited Date: 2009-07-12 02:11 am (UTC)

First off, thanks so much for reading it with such attention and care, that's gratifying and rather lovely of you. Thanks so much.

the internet is the real hero of this story.
YES!!! Thank you!! I never developed that half as much as I'd wanted at the start, the story took on a life of its own at that point and there were an awful lot of sticky problems with the plot around that time that took an awful lot of sorting and the whole internet side of the tale got forgotten, which is a pity. I wanted to show how the internet could be used and how strong a tool it is in these situations - as evidenced by the recent Iranian uprisings (which happened long after these chapters were written).

Naomi knows Jim has a limp? Has she been doing so intelligence gathering, since he's been in the wheel chair since they met in Blair's hospital room.
Oh man, is that still glitchy? That was A Big Thing when I wrote that chapter and I know I rewrote that so it made sense. Maybe I over edited or for some reason (the horror!) used an earlier version...? I don't think that can be right though. ::sigh:: I'll look over it again and make sure something's done before it's posted anywhere else - thanks for catching that.

Towards the end, a lot of it was about dealing with a terribly complex plot I'd tied myself into. Blair got released without trial because from the research I was doing (it was intense! lol, it had to be, I was in the dark about so much *G*), I thought it was a believable scenario but mostly, of course, because I couldn't face writing lengthy Grisham-style courtroom scenes. The thing was already over 100,000 words and all I really wanted to do was get Blair into the mountains, feeding his birds and bring Jim back into the story.

I know it's totally ott with the angst, it really (honestly!) wasn't my original intention. Before I started writing, I knew all about the academy, the student house, the hazing and etc. I knew about Owl, I knew about the year in solitary and I had vague inklings about the mountain retreat (though at the start I thought it would be Blair alone, Naomi came later, she just happened in the story and it made sense to have her there. And I like Naomi, for all her many faults, she cares deeply about Blair and he for her, that's what's always come across most strongly in canon to me, the strength of their relationship). The way those things would link together was a complete mystery and came - as I knew it would - from the writing. Things just happened, all of them terrible and angsty! lol (I can't seem to help myself, I think I have a problem!). I did wibble massively about posting it because it's SO ott but what the heck - if people don't like it they don't like it. ::shrug:: At the end of the day, it's just a story.

I am sorry that I didn't develop Jim's side of the story as much as I'd hoped. That is the one big thing that I'd change if I could. Simon too, I'd like to see his side, why he was so angry (massive disappointment really) and how he deals with Blair becoming the hero. Maybe there'll be a sequel, the thing is crying out for one, I know. Maybe someone else will write it? I honestly don't think I have the strength.

So very human and complicated
Thank you. I wanted it to be real and it was in my head, the whole time, that human beings just don't bounce back like from trauma like this (Jim's post-Peru PTSD is something else I'd like to see dealt with realistically). I know they do on TV but I always do feel, watching TS, that Blair would have been in therapy for years getting over the stuff that happened to him just in season ONE, let alone all that comes later. I suppose Blue is the story of a breakdown, really. It is a sad tale with no sunshiny-bright happy end. The end was as happy as I dared make it; there's hope, they're back together, they understand each other and will go on learning about each other. I didn't want a magic-penis ending; 'with one bound he was free', I wanted it to have at least a smidgeon of reality. :o)

Thanks again for taking so much time and effort, that was great to read and made me think. Thanks so very much.

Double edit, sorry; first time around it just didn't make sense.

Edited Date: 2009-07-12 08:03 am (UTC)

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I thought that the charges being resolved without court was very realistic. And boy the wheels of justice can move pretty slowly, that's for sure. And Blair would have been so very, very vunerable on the stand. He probably would have had a seizure. And I met to add that you did the seizure stuff very well. My husband has a seizure disorder and how you described things was right on.

And I probably didn't say enough about Jim's pain, but it was there and very evident. Jim says stuff without thinking it through very well sometimes. Blair babbles more, but it's harmless stuff for the most part. Jim goes on the attack when he's feeling defensive.

Adapting to change. It's hard. And Blair has just kept narrowing down his comfort zone till he's just in this very tiny little space. That's so not healthy, and he needs to broaden back out but it will take time and effort. Therapy, therapy, therapy.

Really loved the story, and I can handle the angst. People go through good times and bad times and as characters that makes them more complete.

Hope you do find the energy someday to dip back into this story line.

Laurie

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May